The Age of Narcissism

The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said: "I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected.”

Paulo Coelho

Narcissism and narcissists have been with us ever since the dawn of humankind, it is a part of the human condition. It is an infantile coping mechanism that allows individuals to transcend their failures, elevate themselves above others and, in doing so, escape from the discomfort of everyday life and the lessons therein. In the mind of a narcissist, they are unique in some way and, as such, require and deserve special treatment that acknowledges their unique nature. The life of a narcissist is, therefore, a perpetual search for evidence of their uniqueness and it is often found, or manufactured if necessary, even when it does not exist.

Whilst a small percentage of humans have perhaps always been narcissists, there are also certain conditions that encourage narcissism to grow. These conditions have been present ever since our nomadic ancestors settled in farming communities and appointed tribal leaders who found themselves in positions of immense power. These tribal structures eventually evolved in kingdoms and empires in which the leaders began to refer themselves as Gods and exercised almost total control over the lives of others. The emergence of religion did go some way towards tempering this trend in that it ostensibly situated the primary source of ethics, morality and rules outside of humankind. However, like all things it is open to corruption, and the subsequent appointment of vicegerents, and an elite that monopolised interpretation, allowed the trend to continue.

These conditions were also present in recent dictatorships such as Stalin’s Soviet Union or Hitler’s Nazi Germany in which an ideology was used to enslave the masses and centralise power around the egos of a small group of men. In more recent times, Libya under Ghaddafi, Iraq under Saddam or North Korea today have political conditions that allow for extreme narcissism to blossom in the minds of a small group of people. In all of these cases, individuals are able to seek a life in which they are not part of a feedback loop which reminds them of their shortcomings and, hence, they become stagnant and delusional.

In my view, we are now living through an age in which the cultural and social conditions allow for the cultivation of narcissism on a much larger scale, meaning a large number of individuals now view the world through a narcissistic lens. This is abundantly clear from their behaviour on social media, their approach to work, relationships and social etiquette in general. According to recent research, it also seems to affect the young much more since they have greater exposure to the factors that have encouraged narcissism. So what are these factors?

From the 1990s onwards, the western world came under the influence of the self-esteem movement, in which a group of enlightened souls posited that human success and development was dependent upon building self-esteem. This movement had a heavy influence on the education sector, schools began offering prizes for coming eighth and pupils were lavished with unlimited praise regardless of talent or attainment. Of course, a degree of self-esteem is important for growth but this needs to be moderated by adversity in order to develop resilience and character. Too much unfettered self-esteem merely leads to a totally unrealistic view of oneself and ones abilities.

The self-esteem movement also coincided with a rise in over-protective parenting, which itself coincided with 24 hour news. This, in turn, gave parents greater exposure to certain crime types that encouraged them to not let their children play outside as much. Young people learn and develop much quicker when they spend time away from their parents and navigate their environment alone or with peers and siblings. They learn lessons the hard way, who to trust, what to avoid, the rules of social conduct, how to handle difficult and complex situations. This is made much more difficult when parents are hovering in the background since the discomfort zone is the growth zone and pain is the greatest teacher.

Another trend that has contributed is the fact that most people today, and in the past couple of decades, are having much less children and having them much later. This means each individual child has been getting a lot more attention and protection which, in my view, inhibits resilience and character development. When you are 1 of 6 children with parents who are still in their 20s, you quickly learn to become self-sufficient and take responsibility from an early age. You also learn that the world does not revolve around you and your needs since the entire family has unmet needs and is on a journey of learning and growth at the same time.

Exacerbating the aforementioned factors is the rise of social media and its mass adoption. Platforms such as Twitter, Facebook, Instagram allow one to garner unwarranted attention and praise if only one choses to act and behave in a certain way. In other words, it offers aspiring narcissists an opportunity to fulfil their ambitions in the form of provocative content that attracts the constant validation they need to maintain their self-delusion. The likes and shares become the key metric of assessing self-worth and, in doing so, encourage behaviour that centres around canvassing attention towards ones social life, achievements and abilities. Social media platforms also allow one to curate an online world in which one is only exposed to points of view that conform to existing beliefs and prejudices. Ironically it narrows the range of information one absorbs and keeps one in a digital comfort zone which, again, prevents learning, development and resilience.

Over protected children raised on a diet of attention and self-esteem are now given a digital platform with global reach they can use to find evidence of their greatness. It would be very naïve for anyone to think this trend will not have an impact on politics, social relations and culture in general. Narcissists are less able to tolerant dissent, criticism or alternative points of view, their lack of resilience also prevents them from being able to engage in debate and challenging discussions. This has deep implications for free speech and social cohesion and we are only just coming to terms with this.

If we have raised a generation of young people who can’t countenance dissent and are used to getting what they want when they want it, then what happens when they grow up and can’t find a romantic relationship or come across somebody who holds an opposed point of view? You get INCELs and cancel culture. You have tribal politics in which there is no meaningful exchange of views and, over time, mutual resentment begins to fester. You have a situation in which a large number of young people believe that those with opposing opinions should not be allowed to speak or present their viewpoint. You have people who are happy to ignore facts and science in favour of points of view that give them comfort and perpetuate their delusions of grandeur. You have people seeking a sense of community amongst those who endorse their worldview and lifestyle, leading to greater polarisation and even radicalisation.

Adversity nurtures humility which, in turn, allows for learning to take place. Learning is a necessary prerequisite for maturity and that, in turn, allows a diverse society to achieve a sense of balance and social stability. The rise of narcissism threatens the very delicate fabric of society, especially when co-operation and mutual support are replaced with self-absorption and constant validation seeking behaviour. The implications of this trend are dire and all around us. Let’s hope it’s not too late to turn back.